The Super Bowl is a timeless tradition when America remembers the things that make it better than all those other pansy countries out there: Beer. Commercials. Beer Commercials. Oh yeah... Football. Aaaaand... Madonna? Good lord, what have we become? Behold, my comprehensive analysis of Super Bowl XLVI, and why it is a sign of the end-times.
1) The Game Itself.
|This guy just won his |
second Super Bowl.
I give up.
And can we talk about the name? Super Bowl XLVI? Any other letters from the alphabet you want to throw in there? This whole "roman numerals" has got to stop. Anybody excited for Super Bowl L? I rest my case, it sounds absolutely stupid.
Looking for one more reason to hate this year's game? Eli is now the Manning with the most rings. Blasphemy.
2) The Commercials...
Were. Terrible. Highlights include:
- Budweiser's truly awful "Prohibition Is Over!" ad series. I can promise you, no one in the thirties was thinking, "Hey, you know what my first drink is gonna be? A Bud!" No, they were probably thinking, "I wonder if my shoe is edible, because I have no food."
- Danica Patrick and She Hulk in the annual Go Daddy "Not Quite Porn But Close Enough" commercial. I think every time one of those ads airs, the ghost of Susan B. Anthony cries.
- David Beckham can add "wearing boxer briefs" to the list of things he does better than me.
- Honda ticked off everyone who thought there was going to be a Ferris Bueller sequel.
- A lot of commercials capitalized on the economic downfall. And they depressed me a lot.
- Rob Dyrdek kickflipped a Chevy Sonic... wait that was actually awesome and one of the few quality commercials of the night.
Whatever happened to original comedy? To big budgets? To commercials that I can't wait to talk about the next day at the office. I literally had to Google "Super Bowl Commercials 2012" to remember what they were. That's not good.
|Yep. This is what they chose to follow Bruce Springsteen.|
3) The Half-Time Show.
Here's some of the things I thought quietly to myself during the halftime show:
"Glad to see Madonna creating jobs for all the out-of-work Roman soldiers."
"When I think football, I think Vogue."
"Is that Richard Simmons on a tight rope?" (I actually said that one aloud.)
"Aaaaand, there it is. Thank you M.I.A., this Super Bowl was suspiciously lacking a fineable offense."
"Still, this is more enjoyable than watching the Axis of Evil battle for a Lombardi Trophy."
4) What Does It All Mean?
There was seriously no redeeming quality about this Super Bowl. At. All. It was an all-around display in everything that could possibly ruin a Super Bowl. I mean, Chris Collinsworth was even the color commentator. His own mom probably muted the game.
I may be overstating, but I think this is the first sign of the apocalypse. Or maybe the second. The first is probably that Newt Gingrich is still a viable candidate for a political party sworn to upholding "traditional values." Newt Gingrich, family man.
I'm putting you on notice, Super Bowl. This is your one and only warning. If I ever have to sit through something like XLVI again, we're through. I mean it, I'll figure out what station Versus is on and remember that hockey still exists.