Skip to main content

Super Bowl XLVI: Proof that this is the year of the apocalypse.


By: Scott

The Super Bowl is a timeless tradition when America remembers the things that make it better than all those other pansy countries out there:  Beer.  Commercials.  Beer Commercials.  Oh yeah... Football.  Aaaaand... Madonna?  Good lord, what have we become?  Behold, my comprehensive analysis of Super Bowl XLVI, and why it is a sign of the end-times.

1)  The Game Itself.
This guy just won his
second Super Bowl.
I give up.
Easily the least important part of this year's Super Bowl.  I mean, sure, if you're a Giants or Patriots fan, you loved it.  Close scores, crazy catches, and Ahmad Bradshaw made history as the first man to pass gas and then score a touchdown.  But if you were the rest of America, you hated every moment of it.  Because in the back of your head, you knew that no matter who won this Super Bowl, we'd all lose.  I mean, Eli vs. Tom?  I just threw up a bit in my mouth thinking about it.  Any game where the most talked-about post-game analysis comes from Giselle Bundchen is a travesty.

And can we talk about the name?  Super Bowl XLVI?  Any other letters from the alphabet you want to throw in there?  This whole "roman numerals" has got to stop.  Anybody excited for Super Bowl L?  I rest my case, it sounds absolutely stupid.

Looking for one more reason to hate this year's game?  Eli is now the Manning with the most rings.  Blasphemy.

2)  The Commercials...
Were.  Terrible.  Highlights include:
  • Budweiser's truly awful "Prohibition Is Over!" ad series.  I can promise you, no one in the thirties was thinking, "Hey, you know what my first drink is gonna be?  A Bud!"  No, they were probably thinking, "I wonder if my shoe is edible, because I have no food."
  • Danica Patrick and She Hulk in the annual Go Daddy "Not Quite Porn But Close Enough" commercial.  I think every time one of those ads airs, the ghost of Susan B. Anthony cries.
  • David Beckham can add "wearing boxer briefs" to the list of things he does better than me.
  • Honda ticked off everyone who thought there was going to be a Ferris Bueller sequel.
  • A lot of commercials capitalized on the economic downfall.  And they depressed me a lot.
  • Rob Dyrdek kickflipped a Chevy Sonic... wait that was actually awesome and one of the few quality commercials of the night.
Whatever happened to original comedy?  To big budgets? To commercials that I can't wait to talk about the next day at the office.  I literally had to Google "Super Bowl Commercials 2012" to remember what they were.  That's not good.

Yep.  This is what they chose to follow Bruce Springsteen.
3)  The Half-Time Show.
Here's some of the things I thought quietly to myself during the halftime show:

"Glad to see Madonna creating jobs for all the out-of-work Roman soldiers."
"When I think football, I think Vogue."
"Is that Richard Simmons on a tight rope?" (I actually said that one aloud.)
"Aaaaand, there it is.  Thank you M.I.A., this Super Bowl was suspiciously lacking a fineable offense."
"Still, this is more enjoyable than watching the Axis of Evil battle for a Lombardi Trophy."

4)  What Does It All Mean?
There was seriously no redeeming quality about this Super Bowl.  At.  All.  It was an all-around display in everything that could possibly ruin a Super Bowl.  I mean, Chris Collinsworth was even the color commentator.  His own mom probably muted the game.

I may be overstating, but I think this is the first sign of the apocalypse.  Or maybe the second.  The first is probably that Newt Gingrich is still a viable candidate for a political party sworn to upholding "traditional values."  Newt Gingrich, family man.

I'm putting you on notice, Super Bowl.  This is your one and only warning.  If I ever have to sit through something like XLVI again, we're through.  I mean it, I'll figure out what station Versus is on and remember that hockey still exists.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

On Uniting Methodists: A "Fixed and Free" Romans 14 Church

This past week, the local church I serve, Lovers Lane UMC, hosted a gathering of area clergy and lay leaders interested in learning more about a movement called "Uniting Methodists." Leading the presentation and ensuing discussion were Rev. Rachel Baughman of Oak Lawn UMC in Dallas, and Rev. Dr. Stan Copeland of Lovers Lane.

I respect both of these leaders immensely; Rachel was actually my children's pastor when I was in the 6th grade at W.C. Martin UMC in Bedford, TX, and Stan has been my boss and mentor for the better part of the last decade. That respect was shared by the room as far as I could tell, and it was their presence together on stage that likely sparked more than a little curiosity amongst those who came. 

The sight of them sitting together on stage perhaps sums up Uniting Methodists in one image. On the left (literally and figuratively), a young, progressive, woman with clerical collar, black plastic glasses, and dreads pulled neatly into a bun. On the righ…

On Uniting Methodists: What Will We Compromise?

This past week, Lovers Lane played host to the Uniting Methodists Conference, a gathering of those in support of (or seeking to learn more about) the One Church Plan (OCP) as we approach what will hopefully be a historic General Conference in February 2019.  Certainly there will be many reactions posted by those of all theological persuasions, but I wanted to take a moment to offer an insight that became apparent to me in the last few days.

During the conference, we offered the ability for attendees, both in-person and online, to submit questions for our leaders to address at the conference.  I was one of the persons privy to those questions, and I found them to be enlightening.

The largest number of questions had to deal with the technical implementation of the OCP, as it was finally released to the public on Tuesday late-afternoon.  But next to the "nuts-and-bolts" questions, the second-most type of questions had to do with a common theme.  I would summarize them as essent…

On Uniting Methodists: The Authority of Scripture

I had the pleasure of being on the host team for the Uniting Methodists “Room for All” Conference held at Lovers Lane UMC in Dallas, TX just a few weeks ago in July.The pastors, staff, and lay members of LLUMC were incredibly thankful to be able to have such an inspiring and important event on our campus.Those who attended the conference would have seen the following words printed in large black letters on a wall in our Watson Hall:
Our Vision: To be one diverse community, passionately engaging the Bible, uplifting Jesus in worship and loving service, and challenging in love that which divides.We’re proud of that vision statement here at Lovers Lane, it sums up who we feel like God has called us to be as a community of faith, and we hope it inspires those who walk through our doors.
During the past few weeks, as tensions continue to rise with the release of the “One Church” Plan put forth by the Commission on a Way Forward and recommended by the Council of Bishops, I have noticed a comm…