Skip to main content

Ode to a Catheter


One year ago today, Scott and I woke up on a Sunday, but it wasn't our usual Sunday. Sundays usually are a whirlwind of a day. We wake up early, scramble to get ready in order to get to church for our 7:45 a.m. meeting with the rest of the staff.

This Sunday was different though.

I hadn't slept well in anticipation for what would happen this Sunday morning. I tried my best to be well rested, but my mind was going. They say to relax because stress isn't good, but by golly, a lot was weighing on this day. We woke up--a little awkward silence as we got ready. We tried our best to act relaxed and cool---while inwardly, stressing out beyond belief, scared, nervous, and feeling like we could cry at any moment.

We pulled up to the fertility clinic for our third IUI procedure while praying over and over again, "please let this work, please let this work..."

I clung to Psalm 17:6 "I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways."


And here we are, one year later and we have a 3 month old. A beautiful, squishy, and perfect "little" girl named Andie Jane. Grateful doesn't even begin to capture how Scott and I feel today. Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week and all I could think about was how I had felt for so many months and now I hold the biggest desire and prayer of my life in my arms.

However, as joyous as I am and excited about celebrating today and to celebrate my first Mother's Day this upcoming Sunday, a part of me also grieves for those who are still waiting. I know how painful Sunday can be (and everyday for that matter) and even in my excitement and joy, I carry guilt. I have a sense of guilt because I have to ask, "Why me and not her?"  I don't have an answer, and I probably never will. So I may smile and laugh, but my heart breaks for so many.

As I celebrate today the gift of Andie Jane and the gift of doctors and catheters, I stand in solidarity with those who still wait. Those that are walking the most painful path I have ever known. Those that sit and hope and pray day after day. Those that have experienced loss. I wish I could hug all of you and give hope, strength, and comfort on all the hard days. I pray no matter the outcome, you will find joy and peace.



Here is a picture of Andie Jane from this morning. She sure looked a lot different a year ago.  I think she is cuter now.






Comments

  1. What a tender heart you have, Raegan.This touched me deeply. Long years ago I had several Mothers Days that were painful as I faced infertility and childlessness until becoming a mother by adoption.
    I rejoice for you and Scott...what a darling baby girl! And I happen to know her Aunt Jane and can imagine she is crazy about her too! Dee Wait

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On Uniting Methodists: A "Fixed and Free" Romans 14 Church

This past week, the local church I serve, Lovers Lane UMC, hosted a gathering of area clergy and lay leaders interested in learning more about a movement called "Uniting Methodists." Leading the presentation and ensuing discussion were Rev. Rachel Baughman of Oak Lawn UMC in Dallas, and Rev. Dr. Stan Copeland of Lovers Lane.

I respect both of these leaders immensely; Rachel was actually my children's pastor when I was in the 6th grade at W.C. Martin UMC in Bedford, TX, and Stan has been my boss and mentor for the better part of the last decade. That respect was shared by the room as far as I could tell, and it was their presence together on stage that likely sparked more than a little curiosity amongst those who came. 

The sight of them sitting together on stage perhaps sums up Uniting Methodists in one image. On the left (literally and figuratively), a young, progressive, woman with clerical collar, black plastic glasses, and dreads pulled neatly into a bun. On the righ…

A Little Ice, A Lot of Water, A Whole Heap of Cynicism

Scott here.  I've seen a lot of concern over the wasting of water in the now infamous ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.  If you don't know what that is, welcome to the internet, you must be new here.  Google it and come back, we'll wait.

Anyways, I've seen figures suggesting that around 1.2 million Americans have participated in the Challenge, using approx. 5 gallons of water each, meaning somewhere in the ballpark of 6 million gallons of water have been used so far (as of two days ago, so that number has grown).  Sounds like a staggering number, and it is a significant amount of water, to be sure.   And if you donated to ALSA, but chose to forgo the ice bucket to conserve water, I think that is admirable, and I applaud your decision to use the Challenge as a way to shed light on water scarcity at the same time.

But before we begin criticizing an effective fundraising practice by lamenting the waste of water, I wonder if we are willing to examine our own daily practices and c…

Why I Loved Daniel and Hated Job

I used to hate the book of Job.

There, I said it.  I know some of you might be in shock that I--a seminarian, a pastor, a future ordained elder--would actually hate a book of the Bible.  But it's true, for the longest time I just could not stand the story of a man whose life get's worse and worse and worse, simply because God wanted to prove something to Satan... or something like that.*

Which is funny because my wife absolutely loves the book of Job.  It's her favorite in the entire Old Testament, and I could not understand why for the longest time.  It's just so dadgum depressing.  A man's life starts out so wonderful, so full of blessing and grace, and slowly falls apart until nothing is left but his faith.  And I know, I know, at the end he gets back double what he had before, but that's a few verses at the end of chapters and chapters of misery.

Not like Daniel.  The story of Daniel is a book that starts out with destruction and judgement and nothing but …